To me, this seems like the same thing as if Captain America was throwing a shield with the hammer and sickle on it.  If Aerosmith played “Dream On, Crimson Jihad” at a concert.  As if Stone Cold Steve Austin came out to “Afternoon Delight” and had some one throw him a couple of Zimas to chug.  Speaking of drinking, nothing screams Red, White and Blue to me like an ice cold Budweiser.  That’s what makes this next story so damnably frustrating. Beer Advocate with the low down:

Leuven, Belgium - July 14, 2008 and St. Louis, Missouri - July 13, 2008 InBev (Euronext: INB) and Anheuser-Busch (NYSE: BUD) today announced an agreement to combine the two companies, forming the world’s leading global brewer.

Anheuser-Busch shareholders will receive $70 per share in cash, for an aggregate equity value of $52 billion, in an industry-transforming transaction. The combined company will be called Anheuser-Busch InBev. Both companies’ Boards of Directors have unanimously approved the transaction. InBev has fully committed financing for the purchase of all of Anheuser-Busch’s outstanding shares.

Times are tight, I get that.  Hops are in short demand, but what the FUCK is this world coming to?  Miller is owned by South Africa?  Bud is owned by France or Finland or some shit?  Are they gonna slap clogs on those clydesdale horses come Christmas time? 

What the fuck am I supposed to drink on the 4th of July???  Rolling Rock?  Coors Lite?  Nothing against those beers, because they get you drunk.  When I feel American, which I have been known to feel, I want a fucking Budweiser or 8.  Ben Frankin is rolling in his fucking grave, and I may dig the old man up and let him out to wreak his terrible, zombie, patriotic revenge.

Generally I think that Anheuser-Busch has its shit together.  This throws my whole world into pandemonium.  Apparently between now and Labor Day, AB is offer what looks to be a one way ticket to Homoville in a bottle.  Read further if youve ever been curious about what Colin Ferrall looks like naked.

a line-up of three new flavors available in a 12-bottle variety pack, or a single flavor 6-pack. The flavors include Pomegranate Raspberry, Lime Cactus and Tuscan Orange Grapefruit.

Slashfood.com has a list of food that these new queer beers pair best with. There is a very easy testicle joke to be made here, but I am taking the high road.  Who the fuck is going to buy these?  Chicks?  Isn’t this what wine is for?  I catch shit for throwing a lime in a Dos Equis Amber, this is the equivalent of replacing the lime with a dildo.

Gears of War and Metal Gear have some competiton.  I’m not a big fan of the Wii, it has a “To Catch a Predator” meets “Hentai” vibe to me, but who does not like this?  They are offering a beer pong game for download on what ever their version of X-Box Live is.  Now that sounds like fun right?  Who could have a problem with that shit?  Gamepolitics.com found some people and they are pretty close to where I am right now.  Gen. Arthur T. Dean, who heads the Washington, D.C.-based Community Anti-Drug Coalitions of America, was also critical of Beer Pong. Of the game, Dean said:

Beer pong is an activity that normalizes and encourages heavy binge drinking, shows blatant disregard for the dangers of alcohol poisoning, and can cost lives and result in injury.Furthermore, promoting the video game Beer Pong in the Frat Party Games series under a Teen rating ignores the fact that many youth involved in fraternities on college campuses are not of legal drinking age and that youth as young as 13 can purchase the game under this rating.

So lets just dump all the beer into the Potomac River, sew up women’s vagina’s and cut off our junk.  ANY politician has the time and energy to focus on a Wii game that is based on throwing ping pong balls into cups should be impeached.  The fucking WORLD IS ENDING, so what if I want toplay virtual beer pong and drink with teenager girl?! This country was built on drinking and underaged sex!!  Who’s with me????

About 2 months ago I drove up to Odenton to have dinner at my girlfriends other boyfriends house.  We stopped off at the liquor store and I saw something amazing.  3 different flavors of Miller Lite.  I bought all 3 drank all 18 bottles then jammed all 18 bottles up my ass.  They were amazing.  I couldn’t wait for these new beers to find their way down to my local terrible grocery store here in VA.  Now it looks like I’ll have to wait after reading this on Realbeer.com:

“Miller Brewing has delayed it’s plans to begin national distribution of the Miller Lite Brewers Collection.In a memo to distributors, president Tom Long wrote that recent test-market results “indicate a need for some additional and refined marketing elements with greater clarity about the brand’s promise of light beer refreshment combined with craft-style taste.”

I can wait for a little why longer but not much.  My liver is a like a country that’s broken away from the former Soviet Union and and these new Miller Lite flavors are the terrorist groups needing to be harboured.