It all started last weekend. Roger Podacter had finished feeding Snowflake and had arrived at my house to watch some NFL football. As a good house guest does, he had brought along some snacks for everyone. In this case it was a giant tray of salami, pepperoni, crackers, cheddar & colby cheese. Enough to feed a platoon of Marines. Or one gentleman with tight shorts and a back ass. Thus the Adult Lunchable was born.

Everyone loves lunchables. The only problem? They aren’t filling! The problem is now solved. Blue Shorts decided to do something about that by eating a snack tray that was intended for dozens of people. Shaky Knee stopped by to record the event for everyone’s enjoyment and that’s where we are now.

This site looks to be all about burgers.   I’m really into that.  What I am into even more is THIS. I had heard rumor of something this glorious.   Something with the genius of Einstein, the healing ability of Jesus with the devourablity of Coco’s ass. Well, it seems the legends are true.  Pictured above is the The Double(!) Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt.  It looks to be everything we thought we had to wait until the afterlife to obtain.  Peep the lineup:

The stack-up on this one:

• Bacon-stuffed grilled cheese sandwich as bun top
• Cheese
• Bacon
• Four-ounce beef patty
• Bacon-stuffed grilled cheese sandwich as interstitial bun (a nod to the Big Mac)
• Bacon
• Cheeese
• Four-ounce beef patty

Bacon-stuffed grilled cheese sandwich as bun bottom

It has BACON-STUFFED grilled cheese sammiches for BUNS!  Looks like that’s a rap. Break out the artery scraper. Ready the nitro tabs. Install a zipper in my chest. Next stop is Heat Attack Alley, and it’s an alley I plan on sleeping in till it’s dirtnap time.

The roster for the first ever Snacks of the Rod Table: Drab T Shirt, Happy Feet, Big Cat, Shaky Dick, Othello B, Ryan from Traffic, The Hurricane and Dan Dan the Listener and Ol’ Thad.  For some reason Stahi was sitting on the floor in the corner also.  I don’t want to ruin the surprise, but we had our first ever tie for first place.  This is an hour long Rodkast (you’re welcome), so it might take a minute to download.  As always there is FILTHY fucking language, racism, sexism and butchering of the english language within.  I would use  your headphones unless you want people to think you are a scum bag..

Go ahead and click HERE to download. 

Stop pretending you’re better than me because you eat beans.

There is nothing, and the Rock means nothing, better than a sexy broad eating a gigantic cheeseburger. There is bacon and special sauce flying everywhere. Unfortunately, I now need Tommy John surgery from shredding my elbow tearing my pants off. Enjoy.

I am going to do my best to chronicle my foray into the Lonely Man Diet recommended to me by local facebook snob: Drab Matthew Slap Vendrell Nuts Cahill. What it is, in essence, is limiting caloric intake with a fantastic twist. I do not agree with the logic behind it, but thus far I can not deny the results. I love fast food, like any red blooded American. It’s quick, easy, cheap and delicious. Clearly it is not something you should eat a great deal of if you want to be in any kind of shape. Be that as it may, this system seems to combine the two worlds of moderation and love of all things fast food. I have modified the original plan given to me slightly, but I still give the yeoman’s effort to the aforementioned Slap T Shirt.

Tuesday: Starting weight 244 lbs

Breakfast: Banana , V8 and an Orange Juice

Snack: Pure Protein Bar

Lunch/Dinner: Burgershot Combo Meal (Large) from Burger King

Wednesday: New Weight 242.5 lbs (loss 1.5 pounds)

Breakfast: Banana, V8, hard boiled egg

Snack: Pure Protien Bar

Lunch/Dinner: Chicken Parmesan  Sandwich Combo (Large) from Burger King

Thursday: New Weight 241.5 lbs (loss 1 pound)

Breakfast: Banana , V8, Hard Boiled Egg

Snack: Peanuts, Hard Boiled Egg

Lunch/Dinner: Cheeseburger and Cajun Fries (regular) from 5 Guys Burgers and Fries

Friday: New Weight ?

I will be open and honest about this process.  If I do not lose weight or cheat or anything like that I will report my results.  Before everyone leaves me the inevitable know-it-all comments know this:  I know this is not the healthiest diet.  I know the best way to lose weight is to eat low fat, lean protein combined with carbs in moderation, plenty of vegetables and lots of exercise.  I hope one day I can be strong enough to return to that way of life.   What I know of this diet is that so far it has been working and it allows me to eat the food I love best.  We will see how it goes and if it fails, we will try, try again, yo.  It’s all you can do, B.

How about a doughnut?  I am addicted to facebook.  They do not overload you with ads and I don’t feel like I’m whored out when I log in there.  Every once in a while an advertisement will pop up and usually they are pretty good.  This particular banner took the cake. Or the doughnut. Peep this:

So what’s in store for runners this year…?

To complete the Krispy Kreme Challenge is to:

1) Run 2 miles from the N.C. State belltower to the Krispy Kreme on Peace St. in Raleigh.

2) Eat one dozen doghnuts

3) Run 2 miles back to the belltower.

4) Do all of this in under one hour.

We will again have the roads closed for the event thanks to raleigh police department.
The runners will start at the NCSU belltower, run the 2 miles down to Krispy Kreme, eat their doughnuts and run back.

I have heard of drinking beer and running (which sounds pretty good too), but eating Krispy Kreme’s and running might have that beat.  I love when people don’t take their fitness too seriously.  Look, I get it.  You need to excercise.  It’s good for you, you feel better about yourself and you look better.  I am just sick to death of people talking about “their routines” and putting up away messages like “At the gym”  or “working out.”  Just go do it and shut the fuck up.  Having a run where you are pounding doughnuts spits in the face of those douchebags.  It’s saying: “Yeah, I run, but I don’t base my self worth on it and I don’t take myself too seriously.”  Fucking A.  If you are interested in signing up for the Krispy Kreme Challenge click HERE.

We are at the Fukerton love fast food.  It’s like having any cold beer on a hot day, all of it is good.  We are also of the mind that the king snake in the fast food reptile house is none other than Jack in the Box.  Having an appetizer menu is a big plus.  Serving breakfast or lunch at ANYTIME of the day is a big plus.  Being able to get a grocery bag full of fried food for around 10 dollars is a plus.  And let’s be honest, we all love the antenna toppers.  They are so damned cute.  Jack has popped up in many places, but no longer in the Virgina/Washington DC/Maryland area.  From the official JITB website:

Jack in the Box is among the nation’s leading fast-food hamburger chains, with more than 2,100 quick-serve restaurants in 18 states. As the first major hamburger chain to develop and expand the concept of drive-thru dining, Jack in the Box has always emphasized on-the-go convenience, with approximately 85 percent of the half-billion guests served annually buying food at the drive-thru or for take-out. In addition to drive-thru windows, most restaurants have indoor dining areas and are open 18-24 hours a day.

So 18 states, but none north of Carolina?  Why?  What is the reason?  The answer is there is none.  We have personally contacted the JITB franchising division and all we got back was: “We are not currently looking to expand in that market.”  Nothing further was offered.   That is not acceptable.  There is nothing like Jack here.  There are pretty much 4 main fast food eaterys.  All are fine, but variety is the spice of life.  We have no Carls Jr., we have no Del Taco, we have no White Castle, we have no Krystal.  The list goes on and an on.  Well we say ENOUGH.  We need to come up with some solid ideas on what steps need to be taken to make Jack realize that DC is ready.  Not only are we ready, we are aroused.  If you are on facebook, join the “Bring Jack to D.C” group.  Post any ideas you have here or there.  Together……..we can live the dream.

This story is terrible. Local sports TV is so lame and cheesy that it’s painful to watch most times. The subject of this story however, is remarkable and the person that came up with it should be blown on top of the Sears Tower. Fatburger is finally reaching the DC area. Granted it’s a little too far north for my liking, but I’ll brave the townie accents and bad beer to get a crack at this sumbitch. I am hoping some people from the West Coast will comment on this story and let my fellow right coasters know what they have been missing. If we get a Jack in the Box and an In and Out Burger, my life’s work will be complete. I don’t have anything at all against McDonalds, in fact I nuzzle in it’s bosom. That doesn’t change the fact that we are sorely lacking in fast food variety round these parts. This is a giant, chubby step in the right direction. I say God Bless Fatburger, and God Bless the United States of America.

What the fuck is this all about?  Look, I love Pepsi.  From Pepsi Free to Crystal Pepsi.  From Pepsi One to Holiday Spice Pepsi.  I’ve used all of it for lube when I am treating my penis like hostile witness.  Usually Pepsi is the one brand name that I think handles their marketing and advertising in the most unique and entertaining manner possible. (Anybody rememberTHIS COMMERCIAL??  Speaking of self abuse…)

Point being if anyone on the planet is sympathetic to the Joy of Pepsi, it’s those of us here at the Fukerton.  That being said, we have no idea what the fuck is going on with what is pictured to the right here.  It looks like the Summer’s Eve logo.  I don’t know if this this is supposed to be a delicious carbonated beverage or if it’s going to cure my yeast infection.  One of the real problems I have is that my number one soda is not even pictured in this New World Order.  Pepsi One.  With the packaging for the other sodas being this homoerotic, I am worried that there will just be a giant dildo on the wrapper for Pepsi One.  That and is it THAT hard to spell out “Mountain” on the bottle of “Mountain Dew?”  That’s not very extreme.